This week I had my first panic attack.
I used to have a lot of flash backs from when Olivia was born and in the NICU. I would get the flash backs while driving, running errands and even at work. The flash backs were awful and I would sometimes even FEEL like I was having a panic attack. I would also have nightmares as well.
After Olivia's 1st birthday, the flash backs just stopped. IDK if I finally felt at ease or what but I stopped having nightmares and the flashbacks.
This week I started having the flashbacks again. Olivia has a really bad cold right now and has been absolutely miserable. I feel so helpless as Olivia's mama since there isn't much I can do for her.
The other night Jeremy and I were trying to put Olivia to bed and she was just screaming and screaming and all of the sudden I had a flash back. The flashback was when Olivia was in the NICU and she was getting a blood transfusion. She was in her incubator and had even more machines around her then usual. I remember we had to leave so Jeremy could go to work and Olivia was just screaming and crying with her itty bitty vocal cords. I remember walking out of the NICU SOBBING, feeling SO horrible that she was going through all of this and there was nothing we could do. I remember praying, hoping she wasn't in pain.
(I HATED leaving Olivia but especially when she was awake. It was SO hard to leave her sleeping or awake, but much harder when she was awake)
The flashback brought on a real life panic attack. My heart started racing, I began to shake, and sweat and felt weak. At one point I got chills and felt short of breath and was just sobbing, feeling so out of control. I screamed for Jeremy to bring Olivia to me. I haven't ever felt this way.
I am happy to report that while Olivia is still sick, she is feeling better but ever since that night, I just can't shake the feelings of this event. I have been under a little bit of stress the past couple of weeks, so I don't know if that had something to do with this as well?
Has this happened to anyone else? I fear that this will happen again to me. I wonder if the flashbacks I was having prior were actually panic attacks too but I just didn't realize it? I am hoping the flash backs will stop. The nightmares are worse but still, I was hoping I was over these...
13 comments:
That sounds horrible I am sorry. I have never had a panic attack before but since being pregnant I have been having anxiety. That is bad enough for me and I also wonder if I will always have this now. It is scary what our hormones can do. I'm sorry I have no advice for you. Take care of yourself and try not to let other stresses get you down.
Sorry you had to have this happen. I've been getting panic attacks since around 2004, and they are no fun at all. When I wasn't pregnant or nursing, I took protac to help calm me down.
There's no shame in talking to someone who can help you work through whatever is scaring you (either with medicine, or other alternatives.)
xoxo
Megan @ thememoirsofmegan.com
I had panic attacks every morning while Mackenzie was in NICu and we were still at home. If be up at dawn get ready and then cry on the couch until my husband to get ready to leave. I couldn't drive for two weeks so I felt so helpless! Plus i never knew what we were walking into. We would leave and they would tell us she will go home tomorrow. Then walk in and he would be in an incubater.
And I feel you on leaving while she was awake.
You had to deal with much more with your kiddo and if I had been through that I'd probably still have nightmare and panic attacks too.
After all of that, I don't have any advise except what you did, hold your baby girl! Remind yourself that she's home and thriving, and you already made it through the worse! Maybe even take a little 'me' time.
I haven't had any panic attacks, but I certainly don't let Pierce scream. He'll cry, what baby doesn't, but that scream where they can't catch their breath...I'll run to him and jerk him up and do whatever I can to comfort him. His stay in the NICU was the hardest thing in my entire life, and we were only there 3 weeks, instead of your months.
My husband just has me relax, breathe, when I have an anxiety issue over his breathing (which is perfectly fine).
Just love on her. Unless you're not telling everything about her, she's perfectly healthy, she's good, she's beautiful...try to relax and breathe, she's doing really well
this is the worst. I cant even begin to imagine how hard it had to be to leave your babygirl once you were discharged.
I used to get anxiety attacks a lot more less having a hard time breathing, racing heart and feels like the room is closing in.
I got this relaxation app it helped me relax at night I hope these dont continue for you!
this is the worst. I cant even begin to imagine how hard it had to be to leave your babygirl once you were discharged.
I used to get anxiety attacks a lot more less having a hard time breathing, racing heart and feels like the room is closing in.
I got this relaxation app it helped me relax at night I hope these dont continue for you!
I can't say I know what you went through with Olivia and the aftermath I'm sure, but I can tell you that you are doing an AMAZING job friend and I am sure that these flashbacks and panic attacks are completely normal. I admire you for all your strength :)
Yes, I did have intense panic attacks for nearly 2 years after my son came home from the NICU. I now know the types of things that trigger them and try my hardest to avoid them. I know for one thing anything that I wore scent wise while he was in the NICU has been thrown away. (goodbye anything Amber scented). I also CAN NOT stand the smell of cafeteria food. My family understands these quirks about me and can tell by my body language that I am pre-attack and help me to avoid some of these situations. I am in no way a hermit, but I feel it is a way to protect ourselves.
It does get better! My son is nearly 5 years old and just this year I realized that I am no longer panicking each time he gets a cold. I can rest easy knowing that he is in the Lord's hands and He will protect him. I will be praying for you as I do the other NICU parents that experience this journey.
Take care of yourself!
Oh goodness! Hope things get better!!! Thinking of you!
Panic attacks are the worst. I have extremely bad anxiety, I deal with it everyday, all day. Its like having a panic attack 24/7 that you have learned to control :( I'm sorry you had to experience even a little while of that!!
Panic attacks are horrible! I used to have them all the time and there is nothing more scary than feeling so out of control over your body and not knowing what to do to stop it. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with it too! I can't even imagine what you went through with Olivia, I don't blame you for still getting scared. Just hang in there. Eventually you start wrapping your head around what the full reason is that they start and you can start noticing them coming on quicker so you can hopefully stop them!
You poor thing! Everything you are feeling and experiencing if perfectly normal. I think your mommy instincts are kicking in and being a new mom myself I know my emotions get the better of me often- but I think it's 100% ok to let out whatever your feeling.
Just my 2 cents :) I'm a new reader to your blog but mommys have to unite together when times are tough!
I'm sorry you are going through this, they are no fun & as hard as they are to get thru just remember to breathe!! Hugs :)
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